Lifest '05

The days sped past me before I had time to catch my breath.

Arriving, I glanced around me happily, feeling as though I'd never left the place and as though the fears in my mind were fading away. We paused for a minute to collect our thoughts and then I was off, wandering the grounds with a girl I'd just met and soaking in the evening. I smiled as the sun set but hesitated to allow the music to move me. Part of me held back, perhaps out of self-consciousness. But hesitation is brutal and never lasts long... the music is too powerful and life is too short to waste worrying about getting weird looks from others.

So the night sped on, and the next days passed by even more quickly. It all blurs together in my mind now - speakers and musicians, thousands of faces and footsteps and laughs. I've discovered the grace of solitude within a crowd. I've caught myself judging others at a place where acceptance reigns free, and noticed a great deal of faults I need to keep in check. I've cried, but only once. I've attended an acoustic concert at 1 in the morning. I've sung at the top of my lungs and jumped until my side ached. I've been on the edge of huge mosh pits, and been soaked with sweat and freely-thrown water at an outdoor concert in 93 degree heat. I've gotten very little sleep, felt extremely physically exhausted, and have loved every minute!

I've been truly alive.

Last night, as the sun faded, I glanced around me in wonder. Human beings, when they free themselves of restriction, are so beautiful. I can't even explain the joy I feel when I see others putting down their walls and letting their true selves show. Thousands. It's impossible to describe the rush that comes from standing in such a crowd at 11 at night outdoors. From within the crowd, where I stood, the air was thick and the ground was dusty. Every muscle in my legs and feet ached and my ears were ringing. They still are, actually... but as I stood there, I watched the people near me and I began to understand. I smiled and looked from the people up to the lights of the stage, then up to the distant stars as a gentle breeze cooled my face. In that moment I closed my eyes and felt God's presence so clearly. He was within the hearts of those people, and looking down from the heavens He created, and holding my hand as I stood there. The world was one in Him, and I thanked Him more sincerely than I have in far too long. I felt a dizzying burst of gratitude, and made my way back to the camper in a haze of joyful exhaustion. Today came and went, and now here I sit, reflecting upon all that I've experienced.

Only now comes the greatest challenge. Now that I'm away from it all, I need to remember that the world is always one in Him. "We are many parts, we are all one body." His beauty lies within every single person I meet and it's my role, as His disciple, to acknowledge His presence within everyone. It's a lofty goal, indeed... but it even goes beyond the "love your neighbor as yourself." While we clearly ought to do that, we're called to love as Christ loved, which is an even greater goal to strive for. I need to tear down the judgements I form when I meet people and allow myself to see others in their entirety, not just through a microscope of labels. I thought I was "above" such judgements but I'm not - so often I look down on others for taking part in or agreeing with things I don't believe in, like drinking or pre-marital sex or abortion. In order to look down on someone you need to imagine yourself at a higher level than them, and I'm ashamed to admit that I've done that. So much. I've called myself a loving, accepting Christian and yet I've taught myself to believe that I'm above certain people, which is the most hypocritical thing I could do. Why do I judge them for these beliefs? What good does that do? I think today is the first time I really understand Mother Teresa's statement that "if you judge someone you have no time to love them." I've been so foolish. I need to stop judging others and start praying for them, and accepting them. I still believe that what they do is wrong but that doesn't make them bad people or take away from the spirit of God somewhere within them, even if they don't yet acknowledge or understand its presence. I'm ashamed of the person I've been, and I know that I haven't been the person that people believe me to be. I am a sinner and a hypocrite.

But that's the beauty of His grace. I am forgiven. He knows my every flaw and my every sin, and He still loves me. I acknowledge these flaws now, but I don't plan to dwell on them because God doesn't. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, obviously. That's God's job! My job is simply to strive to give my life to Him as best I can. He is the goal in the distance, and I plan to take a running leap off the edge of complacency and try to reach Him. I know that I can't reach Him and that I'll fall, but I trust that He's going to catch me. All I can do is take this dive and not worry about where I'll land. I am a "pencil in God's hand" and I want Him to use me wherever He calls me to go. And I'm ready to go. I'm willing to give up my life at this very moment if He asks it of me. I plan to give my life to spreading His love through action.

That's the key here - taking action. All this talk is good, of course. I'm fresh from a weekend of motivational speakers and inspirational music, so of course these thoughts of changing the world are fresh in my mind. But what good are words echoing in my head and thoughts reverberating within my mind if I don't act upon them? Only through action can I achieve anything He asks of me, obviously. We always say that we'll do it soon, that we'll start doing things someday. But as I said in my graduation speech... dreams without actions are mere fantasies that can never be achieved. What good are these dreams of loving others and spreading God's love if I don't truly act upon them and start doing something about them?

This weekend I spent a lot of time in what I call surrounded solitude. I was never alone, both literally and figuratively, but I had so much quiet time to focus upon different ideas and upon the life I've led. I've thought about this a great deal. At the end, everyone said to go out and really take something away from this weekend. I wonder how many will be able to really take action, or if I can live up to the goals I've set for myself. It's curious... we can go to these huge festivals and say that we'll do so much while we're there, but then fall back into our old patterns when we leave. That's what I did last time. But I feel differently now... and it's difficult to explain. If nothing else I feel a greater energy and a deeper drive to create change. I've enjoyed these days of reflection and renewal, but now is the time for me to take action.

So enough with the insanely long post. I can do all things through Him, and I plan to achieve great things for Him. It's not about me anymore God, or about the way others view me or the things I've done in the past. It's about seeing You all around me and within others and within myself, right now, and giving everything I have back to the world.

I give it all to You.