Right Now
I awoke this morning after having a dream about insecurity. In it, a girl I know was really worried about her hair, or some such drama. Now I'm not sure about the whole psychoanalytic theory on dreams (sorry Freud, just a few too many holes) but if nothing else the dream made me think about where I'm at right now as far as fears go.
I've given in so many times to my own fears of inadequacy that it's ridiculous to even ponder. So much wasted energy has been spent worrying about whether or not I can live up to my own goals. Every day a little voice that I've created in my mind tries to convince me that I've fallen short again. When I listen to it, I start second guessing myself and making unnecessary apologies. I do more harm than good, and spend more time thinking pointless thoughts than I do taking action on effective thoughts. So why do I listen?
Right now as I glance out the window, the sun is pouring through and illuminating tiny specks of dust that would be otherwise unseen. Light helps shatter illusion - perhaps that's why many of my poems include the phrase, "the light of revelation." The light we allow ourselves to see within us illuminates all the tiny things we could never see otherwise. So often I've closed myself off to such self-examination because I've been scared to see the results. Light reveals beauty, yes, but it also reveals spaces of darkness filled with secrets we've always known we have but are too afraid to do anything about. We fear the things yet to be revealed within us that define our greatest merits and faults. Yet we need both.
Right now I'm shining a light into the person I am, and after all these years... I accept what I see. I'm a young woman, nearly an adult, who can act far too silly and naive at times, but overly prideful and stubborn at others. I am vain and often irrational, and I still sin so much more than others would guess. I have so many deep faults, which I see fully now... yet I have so much potential. I've been afraid to understand all the things inside me that could make me great because I've been afraid to hurt others or to fall short. But the voice I've listened to is no longer a voice of reason in my mind, and it's taken me countless months on my own to realize something I should have understood so much earlier. I am merely a mortal, faulted and inexperienced, but then so is everyone else, in the grand scheme of life. I finally accept my limits, because I can no longer convince myself that one day I'll live up to the 'perfect' little image I've set for myself. I don't want to nor am I able to. Instead I choose to accept everything that I already have within me because it's all that I'll ever need.
Right now all my friends and peers are trying to come to some form of peace with the past four (or even more) years of their lives. I've come to mine already. Sure there may be some more tears, but I know that lately most of mine have just been happy ones. The past is being concluded every second, and I accept the road I've taken and the people who have been a part of my life. I truly care about so many of them deeply, and pray that they follow the path that God intended for them. But as for my own life, I'm no longer afraid of the goodbyes. What will come will work out just as we know it will and in whatever way we decide to make it happen. I'm no longer afraid of the future. I've always said that I can do anything through Him, and because of these realizations I've been forming (and finally posted today) I know that I can. I've already shined my own light into myself and have accepted what's there. Just imagine what I could do if I shined His light instead, and helped others do the same... what a beautiful concept.
So as I pause during this final week of school, the time when I would normally be looking upon everything with sadness at the impending goodbyes... I don't fear a thing. I'm sure I'll shed some tears over the symbolism of this event and its implications, but as for saying goodbye to people? Some I'll choose to see again and some not - I can only try to take the actions that are in my control and accept the rest.
I am not afraid of the future, nor will I attempt to root myself into the past. Right now I've finally come to understand what it is to live fully and to accept oneself. It's taken far too long, but I'm ready now. I'm finally ready.
Good riddance.
I've given in so many times to my own fears of inadequacy that it's ridiculous to even ponder. So much wasted energy has been spent worrying about whether or not I can live up to my own goals. Every day a little voice that I've created in my mind tries to convince me that I've fallen short again. When I listen to it, I start second guessing myself and making unnecessary apologies. I do more harm than good, and spend more time thinking pointless thoughts than I do taking action on effective thoughts. So why do I listen?
Right now as I glance out the window, the sun is pouring through and illuminating tiny specks of dust that would be otherwise unseen. Light helps shatter illusion - perhaps that's why many of my poems include the phrase, "the light of revelation." The light we allow ourselves to see within us illuminates all the tiny things we could never see otherwise. So often I've closed myself off to such self-examination because I've been scared to see the results. Light reveals beauty, yes, but it also reveals spaces of darkness filled with secrets we've always known we have but are too afraid to do anything about. We fear the things yet to be revealed within us that define our greatest merits and faults. Yet we need both.
Right now I'm shining a light into the person I am, and after all these years... I accept what I see. I'm a young woman, nearly an adult, who can act far too silly and naive at times, but overly prideful and stubborn at others. I am vain and often irrational, and I still sin so much more than others would guess. I have so many deep faults, which I see fully now... yet I have so much potential. I've been afraid to understand all the things inside me that could make me great because I've been afraid to hurt others or to fall short. But the voice I've listened to is no longer a voice of reason in my mind, and it's taken me countless months on my own to realize something I should have understood so much earlier. I am merely a mortal, faulted and inexperienced, but then so is everyone else, in the grand scheme of life. I finally accept my limits, because I can no longer convince myself that one day I'll live up to the 'perfect' little image I've set for myself. I don't want to nor am I able to. Instead I choose to accept everything that I already have within me because it's all that I'll ever need.
Right now all my friends and peers are trying to come to some form of peace with the past four (or even more) years of their lives. I've come to mine already. Sure there may be some more tears, but I know that lately most of mine have just been happy ones. The past is being concluded every second, and I accept the road I've taken and the people who have been a part of my life. I truly care about so many of them deeply, and pray that they follow the path that God intended for them. But as for my own life, I'm no longer afraid of the goodbyes. What will come will work out just as we know it will and in whatever way we decide to make it happen. I'm no longer afraid of the future. I've always said that I can do anything through Him, and because of these realizations I've been forming (and finally posted today) I know that I can. I've already shined my own light into myself and have accepted what's there. Just imagine what I could do if I shined His light instead, and helped others do the same... what a beautiful concept.
So as I pause during this final week of school, the time when I would normally be looking upon everything with sadness at the impending goodbyes... I don't fear a thing. I'm sure I'll shed some tears over the symbolism of this event and its implications, but as for saying goodbye to people? Some I'll choose to see again and some not - I can only try to take the actions that are in my control and accept the rest.
I am not afraid of the future, nor will I attempt to root myself into the past. Right now I've finally come to understand what it is to live fully and to accept oneself. It's taken far too long, but I'm ready now. I'm finally ready.
Good riddance.
posted by Sarah @ 5:56 AM
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