L-Train Angel

Now that I stop to think about it, it's troubling that for the four days my sister is home I'll only get to truly be with her for two of them. Also, I've realized that it's kind of ironic that nearly 4 out of 5 times we're at church these days my family will be sitting in our normal spot and I'll be somewhere else, lectoring or singing or youth massing it up. Church is, in a sense, a time of emotional bonding, both with your own family as well as the parish community. And I'm never even by them anymore. That makes me think...

New thought. Yesterday was basically Church Day, thank heavens. I need those days. I was doing something church related for a total of sixish hours, and I wish it could have been twice that! Last night at 9 PM I had the opportunity to go to an entirely youth-led/planned service at my friend Spice's church. They did an excellent job, and I was glad to have gone. The music actually struck me the most... Spice's friends Tom and Dave (and Adam, but I don't think I've met him) are in a band called Morus and they performed four original songs, which blew me away. Dave has the most gorgeous voice and Tom writes superb lyrics. The songs were pretty darn good. One of them in particular hit me quite deeply, entitled "L-Train Angel." Tom went down to Chicago a while back and saw a homeless man with a cup thing for money when he was getting on the L... and he just kept walking. The encounter really had a profound impact on him, and he kept wondering about the man. I guess he was really frustrated with himself for not stopping or doing anything. So thusly, he wrote the song about his experience, and it's really beautiful. I'll post some of the lyrics:

"Caught sight of him, he caught sight of me -
For a second we were lost in my uncertainty
I knew what he desired, cause nothing's ever free
I, I looked away

A crinkled sign a crooked tooth, his desperate eyes saw me
He was beautiful and begging on his knees
He didn't say a word, cause nothing's ever free
I, I looked away

(Chorus)
Some pocket change is all he desired
Voiceless today, someday he'll sing with angel's choirs
L-Train angel, you were God that day
One day you'll fly away, one day you'll fly away

Why was I just like all the rest?
I'm sorry, Lord, I failed this charity test
Last shall be first, the first shall be made last
I, I looked away"

I wish I could sing it onto the internet, or rather that they could because that'd probably be a lot better than my singing it. I think the thing that hits me most last night was the passion that they played it with. It was really something else. Nothing stirs me more than music... it's like God's most direct form of communication.

So on that lovely thought, I'm going to go play piano for a while and then get ready for tonight. I'm singing with the choir at our Easter Vigil, my favorite mass of the year! Quite excited.

Thank you Lord for your sacrifice and the life you've renewed within us!

How beautiful~

Prayers

Yet another day here in the library... and still more prayers for an ever-widening circle of strangers. They would almost border on acquaintances if it wasn't for the fact that I've never really talked to any of them. But I recognize them instantly, and have little nicknames for them in my head. (For example, the boys mentioned in a previous post are the Swear-happy Children. Odd... they just walked in.) Anyway. Today a pleasantly plump freshman girl walked into the library wearing an outfit that was (not to be mean) around 3 sizes too small. Her skirt must have been less than a foot long, and her shirt was pretty tiny too. The combination revealed a great deal of skin in her midsection. As I watched her walk, the thought of advising her to pull the skirt up popped into my head. Unfortunately I soon realized that to do so would be detrimental... so the only answer is to pull down the shirt, which also would have been semi-bad. Quite a dilemma. I am by no means judging this girl - she looked nice enough. And while clothing can sometimes reflect the individual's attitude and whatnot, I have definitely learned that false judgements are pointless and potentially damaging. I just don't understand the need to flaunt yourself in such... attire. It's common at this age and seems to fade with time, though for some it never fades. It just makes me curious... why do we do it? I'm certain that some people don't care what others think of their appearance and dress as they will, but many do it merely to please their imaginary audience. And not just in what they wear, but in the way they act and what they pretend to believe. The way they deny their own individuality to fit into a mold that's not made for them. It's kind of sad. Is acceptance from a seemingly popular majority really worth all that? And when, if ever, do people start to realize that it's not? I say my prayers for them.

On the total opposite spectrum from that... there are some people who I look at with the most ardent respect and admiration for all that they've done. One such individual, named Andrew, just walked in. Though I have never spoken with him, I know all about his story. The entire school does. Last year Andrew was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 16. He has fought courageously and overcome it twice now, and I can't even imagine what he's been through. I admire his strength. I also admire those around him who have continued to support him even when the outlook was grim. And not only these, but all people in similar situations. Tragedy and adversity can often cause just as much pain to the immediate family and friends of the person as the victim. Looking at all these people, people who have endured so much more than I can imagine, makes me wonder... what keeps them going? This faith they have, their beautiful hope in life... how deep of a struggle have they endured in order to reach such a level of trust in the Lord, in one another? I say my prayers for them as well.

And somewhere in the middle of these are the seemingly faceless crowds, the people I glance at everyday without a second thought. I know their names, yes. I know a little bit about some of their lives, and where they've been, and what classes they have, who they're friends with. But I don't know who they are. I don't know the vast majority of them. They go through their lives, some wearing masks, some wearing their hearts on their sleeves. Every day they face the same dilemmas as I, yet through totally different circumstances. It's odd to look at them, lost in their own thoughts, and try to imagine the world through their eyes. It's still odder to realize that they don't have the slightest idea of all the experiences and subtleties that define me. I enjoy watching them. Looking in their eyes opens up an entirely different world, and I often wonder what they're thinking. What's happened to them today that has altered their perceptions, or made them feel bad? Who have they hurt, or who has hurt them? Where are they headed after this, and what are they thinking as they stare at their computer screens, at a book, out the window? Who are they really? I say my prayers for them.

So many people, so many thoughts. Hopes, ambitions, regrets, hurt feelings - all these things you obviously know of and perhaps even think of every day. All these things that define you. They define us all. We're all at different levels and on different paths, intertwined... yet how often do we stop to think of the subtleties running through the minds of those around us? These emotions, when combined, are overwhelmingly powerful. These energies we hold within, when put together, have amazing potential. All of these things that define us, joined as one, define life. The highs and joys and beautiful, simple acts of grace and love... those energies define God. That big picture is so... awe-inspiring. We constantly add to it and pull from it, whatever "it" is. Yet we blind ourselves to the pieces within one another.

So every day I pray for these people... for all of us.

Open our eyes Lord.

...

Apparently I'm not smart enough to be an All State Scholar.

Meh.

(Too many random thoughts within one post for a summarizing title)

I learned an interesting lesson yesterday... The satisfaction of walking into my English room before class, handing over my enormous project binder, and walking out of that dreaded room for the rest of the day far exceeds the pure exhaustion that comes from staying up until quarter to 4 in the morning finishing it.

Thought: In 78 days (not just school days) I will graduate from high school.
...... (pause) .......
I don't know quite where to place that concept in my brain. It doesn't seem accurate. I'll worry about that later.

Another thought: "Gone With the Wind" is a surprisingly good movie, though after sitting through it for four hours the ending brings an inital burst of frustration. It's growing on me now that I look back, though. The part where she fell down the stairs amused me greatly, I must admit. Great balls of fire!

The AP tests are swiftly nearing and I feel completely unprepared.

I desperately hope spring is on the horizon. I love it... flowers and mud and the re-birth of grass... :-) I love watching the world come alive again.

Speaking of things I love, this is my favorite week of the year. I find such peace during this period of reflection and renewal, all within a few days. It gives me greater joy than any other holiday. Thank you Lord for your eternal sacrifice... you are our life and our salvation. Always.

There was a final thought that I wanted to post in here, but I've lost it somewhere amidst the chaos within my brain. I can't even keep up with all the little pieces of thought flying around. So I won't even bother!

Back to work for me. Say... I'm supposed to hear back from ND soon. Hm.

Minor Frustrations

Every day I sit here in the library during third hour attempting to study Psychology. Let me run through the typical library experience each day, with very little alteration from day to day.

I enter the library and come sit at this computer. The same one every day, though some days I'll walk in to discover some innocent, spacey little freshman looking up random images on google, totally oblivious to my frequent glances at them as I sit nearby and await my turn. Sure, I use different computers sometimes, but I like my routine, to say the least. Anyway, I digress horribly already.

Moving on. Every day at 11:50 the bell rings, and soon a large mass of people skipping their B lunch swarms in. Among these are some of the most ridiculous and, unfortunately, saddening people I have ever met. Many are just nice girls who come to read blogs (such as this, though it's private now) and take random quizzes. One girl is kind of... too friendly, I suppose. (She once sat down and, the day after I met her, proceeded to tell me about her upcoming visit to the Gynecologist.) Another of these girls comes in each day and e-mails her boyfriend. He's always by a computer at that time every day so that they can converse... if not she calls him and they talk for about ten minutes. He seems to be an overly protective, borderline stalker type... but hey, as long as they're happy I guess. But by far the most fascinating and annoying group to come to the library is a clan of about four freshman boys who decide to use their lunch playing computer games online. They take great humor in acting as immature as they can possibly manage to be, and find the F word hilarious. Yes boys, your five word vocabulary makes me giggle too - I can't get over your immense wit and cultured perspectives. I sit and listen to your loud taunts and swearing and try to restrain myself from laughing out loud. Particularly when you decide to see how many swear words you can throw into one sentence, because it just makes you sound so incredibly old and mature and appealing. I definitely enjoy having you sit across from me every single day while I attempt to study, because truly the F word provides the best background noise I can imagine.

Yes. This doesn't bother me at all, as you can see. For a while they moved to the other side of the library, but alas, a new crew has replaced them. Two juniors and a senior. They are currently sitting across from me playing some random game laughing about some "f'ing retarded" guy who asked out a girl who apparently weighs "200 pounds". This saddens me deeply. The more I hear them talk, the more I realize how shallow life can become when you only find approval from others by the number of swear words you can say in one sentence. These people are constantly seeking approval despite their strong masks of crass "rebellion" and they won't ever admit it. They fall into this world where the only thing they can talk about is the latest gossip or game or sick story they hear about, and always try to top one another in this sick and twisted competition. I pray that they discover something more to live for. Otherwise what's the point...?

And I've just wasted like twenty minutes talking about. And you've just taken the time to read it.

Makes me wonder.

A few hours 'til dusk

I just experienced something rather eery, yet almost magical. The sun has been slowing sinking in the late afternoon sky, and the golden rays slant idly into my living room. Willy has been resting in the light, his head on his paws, and I've been playing piano. But for some reason I decided to walk over by him, and in doing so I happened to glance out the window. An odd sight met my eyes - there in the glowing sunlight of the approaching evening, snow was gently falling. It seemed to hang, suspended, in the air, delicately landing on the yellowed grass and melting instantly. I walked out onto my driveway and watched the small, shining flakes dance around me, savoring every moment of their fleeting lives. The wind blew calmly, and for a minute or so I just stood there, enjoying the snow in the sunlight.

Then it passed.

The Music of Motion

Today I left piano with the joyful realization that there wasn't a single cloud in the sky, the sun was shining fiercely bright, and that the air was just crisp enough to make me wish I had a coat yet warm enough to make me imagine (just for a moment) that spring was approaching. As I skipped off to my car, sliding a little bit on the ice and nearly wiping out right in front of the little girl trotting up the driveway to her lesson, I half listened to some birds singing nearby and half hummed a portion of my Chopin Valse to myself. In that moment, I was stuck in the "in-between" phase, as I call it; the place where you move from one "world" or realm into the next, altering the focus of your frame of mind in order to adjust to the approaching transition. So there I stood, leaning against my salt-covered car and glancing at the world around me, happy for a moment just to stand and see.

All at once a beautiful thought came to me - wouldn't it be amazing if the entire world was alive with a song? And not just any song... a melody from God, suspended in the sky and permeating all of creation. For about ten seconds I sat pondering that thought, imagining the gorgeous melodies of heaven falling down over the whole earth, layering it with the beautiful and transcendental depth of God's love. It was a lovely image, certainly.

Then suddenly I caught my breath, looking up towards the sky and then back at the dripping houses around me... and I laughed at my own blindness.

The earth is already alive with God's song of love - all of the motion and rhythm of creation is music. The rotation of the earth, the patterns of the sun, the faces within the stars, the humming of the wind... all keeping time in God's vastly spreading composition. And not just the earth itself, but also the world we've created. So often I've glanced around me at the technology, the smog, the noise, and I've asked him... why? The hurried rush, the traffic jam, all these snares we've created for ourselves - where do they fall into place?

It's all part of the music. The thudding of feet pounding on the pavement, the whirring of cars flying past on the highway, the rhythm of traffic lights and the clanging of alarms... everything falls into place. As I drove, I could feel it all around me. The rhythm flowed through everything around me, even down to the rattling of the CD's in the side of my door that I'm too lazy to take out. Rhythm. As sporadic and unpredictable as life is, even daily life, when one steps back to see the large picture, they inevitably feel the rhythm. Where does the rhythm come from, and why does it keep moving? That question, of course, is as unanswerable as the attempt to define music, or love, or faith. It is a matter of faith. We're all singing or counting out our own note in this enormous song of God's creation. With laughter and love as notes of grace, tears and pain in minor chords and accents, and God as the melody (even though some grow deaf to his song)... all of life moves forth in a divine harmony unfathomable to man, yet more perfect and real than anything we'll ever approach in this life. And goodness... I can't wait to hear it.

Goodnight and God bless,
~<3~

Going Home

Yeah... so I just printed 18 pages for the cover of my Stafford handout and it used up a lot of the color ink and I feel bad... oh well! I basically don't feel very well... just drained, really, physically and emotionally. So I'm going home right now. (The only reason I'm posting this is because I saved some links in here so that I can get ahold of them for my bibliography at home too. I figured I'd just say a quick hello while I'm here.) So howdy.

Bleh.

I am very dizzy. I greatly dislike when this happens. It makes me feel sick. I need to get ready for work soon. Bleh.

P.S.

Not quite goodnight yet, I thought of two work pet peeves that I'll share. Please forgive my complaining tonight, man! But here goes, thanks in advance. :-)

#1.)
Me: Would you like any cash back tonight?
Woman: Yes.
Me: ..................
Me: ... (waiting for her to state the numerical amount that inevitably follows such a question so I can type it in the computer) ...
Me: .............. (teeth clenched, finally giving in to the awkward silence) How much would you like?

I understand that the question is a yes or no question. But if you want cash back you need to tell me how much within five minute because I can't read your dang mind. The longer you sit and stare at the little window, the more tempted I am to stay remain completely, awkwardly silent just to avoid asking the stupid question and force you to say something.

#2.)
Me: How are you doing tonight?
Woman 2: We're doing pretty good!
Me: (Glances down to see if there are small children, midgets, or even animals near her. A stuffed animal? Any creature or even an object resembling a creature? Anything would do... but alas, there are none. Just a woman and her shopping cart. Gives the woman a blank stare for about five seconds. Then a large, forced, false smile, and a hearty) That's good!
~*~ a short time later ~*~
Me: Do you have any coupons tonight?
Woman 2: Nope, we don't.
Me: ............. LEARN YOUR DARN PRONOUNS ..........

Okay so I didn't shout it. Maybe in my head a little.

I feel so much better now. I forgot how good it feels to rant in writing. The only problem before was the whole public blog thing. But hopefully only a few people see this.

*Yawn*

I know I've said this to random people for random reasons a million times... but man I love Vitamin Water! It's so yummy. Yup.

Anywho, so Kai and TJ are at the Starting Line concert and I'm strongly wishing I could've gone. They tried to call but all I could hear was muffled static with the occassional hint of the lead singer... so that's no good, but I appreciated the effort! Today at school all these sophomore girls were wearing their little black, pink writinged Starting Line shirts and I was so jealous, haha, but I just wanted to ask them all how long they've known about Starting Line. I bet you I beat them all, thanks to the influence of some other hard core fans 2 years back... so yeah, frustrating. Oh well.

I'm having a blast here anyway... wait'll you hear how I spent my night in this wondrous world of A-town. Worked, which was fine until the last half hour. I was supposed to be out at 9 but by 9:10 there were no managers nearby except for one who gravely pissed me off. Two were just walking around the store having a good old time while the lines grew about 5 people deep for me and the only other cashier that was on. Meanwhile, at 9:05 one of the CSR reps decided that he was going to talk to his friend on his fricking cell phone for about ten minutes. So he stood talking, hiding just far enough into the aisle so that the people in line wouldn't see him and give him dirty looks. Wow, looks like you're sure following through on the customer service so valuable to our F******* quality. Hey, all those stars almost make it look like I was saying a bad word... whoops. Yeah so I stayed on until finally just being told to leave by one of the wandering managers at like 9:20. In the big scheme of things no big deal, so they had to pay me a little more than I thought they would, nothing to complain about there... I was just so mad at the dang cell phone genius move. Idiot. (Napoleon!!)

And to top this all off and make the night even more upbeat and fun, I have spent the past half hour reading up on one John Wayne Gacy Jr. Quick history lesson in case you don't know much about him - in the early 70's, this serial killer brutally raped and murdered over thirty young men in the Chicago area. Unfortunately, after clicking on a little Yahoo! link about why so many people are afraid of clowns, his name appeared in the article and I got curious enough to click on it. (He apparently volunteered as a clown in children's hospitals even while he was doing these awful things). From there I read his entire life story. 'Twas not light reading. I cannot conceive the mere image of a man so twisted as to do what he did. It brought me deep sadness, and served as further evidence of how little I've been exposed to the evils of this world.

On that lovely thought... off to bed. Wow, this approaching weekend resembles a psychological marathon... one thing after another after another... "on and on, does anybody know what we are living for?" Meh it pays off in the end. It merely makes you stronger, plus it's my own fault that I have so much English to do, in some ways. Still, it makes me laugh to think about if all of our lives were commentated like sports... annnnnd she's off. Can she finish out strong? We shall see.

"For lack of better words to say all I said was goodnight."

:-)

Well... two people have told me to keep posting today. So I shall indeed, even if just for those two people, haha. Unfortunately tonight I can't possibly post longer than these few sentences, as this past hour has been my first genuine slot of time all weekend to do homework. Good... nothing like running non-stop for two days as a refresher. I wish we could go back to the days when Sunday was still a day of rest. Ah, well. I'll try to post later, for now I need to write a poem, type up two of them, and get some sleep!

Curious

Well, it's been about three and a half months since I last posted on this blog. I wonder if anyone has seen it since then? Highly doubtful. :-D How awesome is that? I'm basically posting to myself. But on the off chance that someone does stumble upon this blog, feel free to leave a comment. If someone leaves a comment for this post, I will resume posting on this public blog. Otherwise I'll continue the random posts on my private one every month or so, or just stick totally to my journal/poetry. So... now what?

My life is a constant blur of homework, church, scholarships, work, band, and the random other things that so often creep into the picture. I'm enjoying every minute of it (well, mostly) and my perspective is definitely changing with the tides of the year. The closer Graduation gets, the more I notice differences in myself and how I view the world around me. Not great differences in who I am, obviously... just subtle differences in how I approach situations and people. It's interesting and I must admit, I can't wait to get out and move on. But no rush... it will come soon enough, I'm sure.

The view from now (not to steal Jackie's phrase!) is definitely an intriguing one, and swiftly changing. I welcome these inevitable winds of change, though I'm not quite ready to fly yet. I'm working my way up to it, and discovering more than I ever dreamed possible. The odd thing is... all these years I've been searching for the keys within other things and people. But what I've been searching for has been here all along. The key was in the realization that I possess my own keys... and I get to choose the doors. And somewhere in the distance I can see that arc of sunshine; I can hear the voices waiting to rise up in song, and feel the cool rush of morning air. I can sense it so near, yet know that this patient journey is more valuable than any hurried rush in the wrong direction. It's painstaking, yes, and I've been slowly removing pieces of the walls around me... but I'm starting to see starshine drifting ahead, and I'm starting to form my own conclusions. Finally, I am beginning to understand. I'm certain there will be moments of uncertainty, plenty of them, and I have far to go. But I'm on my way. I have a song in my heart and His light to guide me... of whom should I be afraid?

Farewell~