Anxiety/Peace

I sing in church soon. Eek.

On a happy note... as of tomorrow at 4 I'll have worked around 34 hours this week, which is (sadly) a personal best and = a lovely paycheck. Next year I will manage to get 40 a week somewhere, even if it kills me... mark my words.

I like sparkly flip flops and going for walks on sunny days.

One last thought:
Zits are evil.

I leave in exactly three weeks

The internet seems so much more exciting on my laptop! I love it! And LaunchCast has become my new best friend... :-) I picked up a great number of hours at work and am quite excited about it. Also, it's really awesome to meet up with old friends through Facebook, of all places. One year ago I met up with Emily again at BGS, which was awesome. But who'd have thought that after 10 years a random click could spark a conversation with the last of the long-lost three muskateers? Awesomeness at it's best, I'm sure.

Well... awesome indeed. Not much else to say at the moment.

Today has rolled along smoothly.

Sporadic sentences

I haven't the slightest idea what to put down in words about my day, which is an odd thing for me. Generally the random memories and images flow quite nicely into some form of summary, but today seems all... blurred. Therefore: free write!

Sorting unwanted clothes into paper bags can stir a lot of memories. Fading logos. Old jerseys. Amazing how one glance at a t-shirt can revive some vague emotion long buried within your closet.

Star Wars Episode 3, awesome visuals, the tormented Anakin made me quite sad but the storyline really set up the stage for 'A New Hope' so I approved. Palpatine looks the same, scary. Betrayal. Poor Natalie Portman had to cough out some awful lines, but all in all stupendous!

"Racey days, help me through the hopeless haze but my oh my..." Killers lyrics, good song. Also... singing "Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both, oh yes they both, oh yes they both reached for, the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun, oh yes they both reached for the gun, for the gun" (from Chicago) as fast as you can several times in a row is way fun. Same goes for the chorus of the song "Country Rockstar" though I always mess up the words.

Whole world spinning = gloriously confusing. Wandering around the living room singing loudly to my Willbo and playing piano is quite enjoyable.

Endless parades of people overwhelming the senses, all carrying burdens or flippant distractions on the surface. Apprehension. Understanding. Time to specify - self actualization + action. The clouds of life are ever changing, and now as I glance up at the sky with greater clarity I am even more grateful of its beauty.

Poker on TV, attempts to play darts, swinging at the park late at night, flashes of temper leading to much needed conversation, car rides, old friends and bright smiles in the dim light of a bonfire... lovely conclusion.

There you have it.

My random reflections of today in a haze of thought. Now for sleep!

Well...

I finished Book 6 and cried spectacularly about what happened, though I knew it had to come eventually. It was still saddening to behold. My poor family had to endure my distress on our car ride up to Door County, where we stayed overnight at a resort that we won a gift certificate to. The trip was quite enjoyable, with just a few minor skirmishes here and there. The usual :-) We stopped in at little shops and galleries, which I enjoyed, and also at a cute used books store where I picked up a book of Whitman poems and some short stories. Yay! I just felt bad because the boutique Kristy wanted to go to was closed by the time we got there... meh. We returned home, went swimming to escape the vile heat, and then my mom and I went grocery shopping. Yup. Exciting stuff indeed!

I tried an official Icee for the first time yesterday and find them quite revolting. I was also exposed to more television, much of it in the reality genre (and by the way, "I Want to be a Hilton" or whatever that thing is called is real depressing), which made me even more thankful that I don't watch TV. Some of it is decent, but some things merely crumble my faith in the triumph of morality within our generation. End of complaining; actions speak louder than words so I best become "the change I wish to see in the world". Go Ghandi.

I leave for school in a little over three weeks... eek! I have so much to do! Off to clean bathroom/mow lawn/organize...

I'm at a loss as to how to connect my thoughts with these syllables.
It's impossible for me to acknowledge even a portion
of each emotion coursing through -
I doubt I can fully realize how rocky the path along the spectrum is,
at least until I begin to explore again.
However, emotions are not to be trusted.
Emotions are a reflection of internal thought and instinct, but
objects in the mirror appear closer than they are.
I need to learn how to remember the things I already know.
My eyes are dry yet ever stinging.
I'm tired of that burning feeling within them, the constant clenching -
Aching.

Staring at the clock in a daze, I ponder the lives
and remember the expressions.
Imprinted on my memory are fading voices and sparkling eyes.
Specifics are irrelevent, and lost amid the times.
The words are all a blur.
A random cliche phrase buzzes through my brain -
'you get what you give' -
and I ponder the words, rolling them through my mind
like a new flavor in my mouth.
The simplicity and sheer implication of its' truth
slices into my core.
Others have felt the sting of my silence, and have endured pain
from the reckless lash of my stubborness.
I bleed now from the sorrow I gave.
I have shared glimpses of sunshine as well as handfuls of drowned earth
and every inch will return someday in full.
I feel it now, weighing upon me.
Perpetually uneven and thus eternally balanced -
to give and receive, with hope and despair,
I reflect and wonder
and wait.

Maybe it's time to bury the cross I bear within a heart
that's learned to forgive itself.

Surely it's better to accept what others give me,
or their consequent lack of acknowledgement,
with open arms, strengthened from understanding.
Old words are unerasable, actions etched into life, and
remembrance alters nothing.
What's given has been received and what's lost has come home.

Old friends find deeper laughter, and the chorus sings on
long after one verse comes to a close.
Darkness fades to emptiness
but light joins with the dawn.

The aching fades with time,
but how beautiful the scar.

Pure Exhaustion

Words can never suffice.

Incendio!

I am hereby the proud owner of the new Harry Potter book, as well as a lovely pair of his black plastic glasses. Yes, I am a large dork. No, I do not care if people ridicule me for it. I would still be this excited even if nobody else in the world cared. However it was indeed amusing to see the outfits worn by both children and adults last night at the party at Barnes and Noble! I walked around in wonder, smiling at the creativity and excitement of the diverse group gathered there. I met up with Jackie, Jenny L, Ryan, and Colin, and also ran into Jenny C. and several others! There were people everywhere, passing out bracelets, stickers, glasses, and word find games. Many people were dressed up, including the most adorable young boy I've ever seen. He must have been 11, with blond hair and tiny glasses that made him look so sweet. He was wearing a tie and a maroon sweater vest and carried a realistic looking wand around. I honestly think he looked like he belonged in the movie! He was my favorite.

But (as I discovered yesterday - I thought we had but we must have missed it somehow) we didn't reserve the book there so we left at 11:40. Colin and I went to Target this morning and waited 10 minutes for it to open, though, and we were the first to buy the book for $16.86 there. Woohoo!

Time to get ready for work, then straight to church to sing again (scared... again...)

End of dorkage.

:)

Why are my posts all so long now?

I'll work on shortening them in the future.

Jeez.

Roughing it

Two days ago, five of my dear friends and I embarked on an epic journey northward to stay in a cabin overnight - unsupervised. No, there was no alcohol/illegal activity, and as always we had an extraordinary time without it. I doubt that I'll ever understand the appeal of such things... it's just stupid if you ask me... but that's a post for a different day. So we arrived safely to what I expected to be a cabin in the middle of nowhere. To my great surprise, Sara's cabin was like a mini house! It's on a lake with lots of houses nearby and everything, so we decided to go swimming right away. We immediately went out onto the middle of the lake in our "yacht" (an old pontoon boat) so we could swim away from shore. For the record, I have thus far had a grave fear of being in water that I can't see the bottom of, for some obscure reason. As I stared down into the greenish brown, murky water, my apprehension grew at an alarming rate. I voiced my fears once with a "You know... I can't see myself getting in this stuff..." But after a little hesitation and the reassurance of a beautiful light blue noodle, I managed to jump in the water! Twas quite the accomplishment for me. I then realized that I had to pee quite badly, and the others quickly advised me to just pee in the lake. Sounds easy enough, right?

Wrong. Despite many attempts, I could not do it. I was trying as hard as I could and nothing was happening, much to the amusement of my compadres. They kept shouting advice to me and trying to help me out, but to no avail. As I treaded water, trying to pee in the stupid lake, I had a flashback to the only other time that I've tried to pee anywhere besides a toilet, and let me tell you, it was a horrible memory... essentially, I was traveling with my family and forgot to tell them that I needed to go to the bathroom until just after we'd passed an exit. Tempers ran short, but my bladder was quite full. It was an emergency, so we pulled over and then it was expected of me to just walk over, pee, and keep us moving. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I began to cry. Really, really hard. That's all I remember.

Anyway, so there I was in a similar situation, and tears were close behind my eyes. After several different theories and attempts, I somehow I managed it, and my very supportive friends were quite proud of me. Shaina told me she's never been prouder! How sweet. It was indeed a dramatic event, and the drama only continued.

We decided to go cruising around the lake in our flashy water machine, so we swam back to it slowly, the others poking fun of my latest peeing endeavor. As Andy climbed onto the ladder, though, there was a great CRACK and the ladder, along with some of the siding of the boat, came off abruptly. We all began to laugh until we realized that without the ladder we really couldn't get into the boat. Slight problem. So Andy-super-muscle-man pulled himself in, and then the rest of us attempted to do the same. My own attempt was a painful reminder of the little upper body strength I have... I am weak. But after some creative attempts we managed to help each other in, first Kailyn, then I, then Spice and Sha, and after a great deal of stubbornness, the hostess herself. It was like a teamwork lesson straight out of one of those leadership camps from way back when. Such joy.

We then "cruised", watched a "scary movie" (dumbest thing I think I've ever seen), went stargazing, and went to bed. At least we were supposed to go to bed. Shaina and I tend to grow overly exuberant at certain times when we're together, and that night was one of them. We began to fiddle with my digital camera, taking pictures of random things for about a half hour. We discovered that when you take a picture of a moving fan, it looks like it's not moving in the picture! Shocking. We also took spontaneous pictures of our feet, and I have a lovely shot of Shaina's eye. I then decided to play with my little plastic light-up fan, and managed to get it knotted up in my hair. Ouch. Don't ask.

8 AM came far too quickly and brought the lovely aroma of pancakes. We then drove over to Andy's cabin two miles away, where we discovered what "roughing it" would truly be like. His cabin is much more rugged, with an outhouse and wooden walls and a huge stone fireplace. It's surrounded by four acres of woods and a thick layer of bugs, with an awesome path with wooden stairs down to his lake. We swam there for a long time, and by lunchtime I was exhausted. I hardly ever swim, and when I do it's normally in my Grandpa's pool where I can stand. This, however, was a totally new experience. I swam great distances on my noodle, and paddleboated around for the remainder. It was awesome! The rest of the day was spent doing much of the same - more swimming, a Scattergories tournament on the "yacht" and just relaxing in the sunshine.

All in all we had a great time. I enjoyed it muchly! I hope we can take another excursion someday, only this time I want to sleep outside or at least in a tent.

At the moment I need to go put away my laundry and shower before dinner... right now the house reeks of burnt garlic and it's starting to get to me. Blech. This reminds me, however, of my new goal to begin cooking lunches for this last month before I leave for school. I've been combing through our vegetarian cookbooks and I plan to begin tomorrow with a simple homemade macaroni and cheese. I'm excited!

But yes, the reeking odor is seriously giving me a headache so I'm off. Farewell!

/Edit*/ Now I need to go eat the food that's smells so strongly of blackened garlic... be scared.

Tidbits

I've stumbled upon a superb music group... just as they've disbanded. WHY?! The first concert of theirs that I saw was their final concert. The ironies of life make me smile and shake my head in wonder. Nonetheless, they're an alternative Christian group called Amalgam and I greatly enjoy the CD, so yeah... the end of that.

This just in: the pope actually disapproves of the Harry Potter books... check it out at http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050713/people_nm/pope_harrypotter_dc_2I still can't figure out how to make word links so there's the URL. I feel saddened that I disagree with him on this but alas, I continue to eagerly anticipate every word of the new book!

My dear boy has been at nationals bowling in Indianapolis for the past several days, which is actually pretty hard to qualify for. But he made it, along with 1,046 others from around the country and even some from other countries (Puerto Rico, England, Mexico, etc). I'm pleased to announce that he is #168 in the country in the under 21 age bracket! Awesomeness. He's mad that he didn't do better, but I think that's darn good and I'm proud of him. And now he's home! :-)

AP tests scores are starting to arrive. My sister said a bunch went through the mail today... but mine didn't come yet. Boo...... hopefully tomorrow? I'm scared though.

It's beautiful outside!

Pleasantries

I've had the whole morning to read.

It's quite warm outside and I get to sit out back with Willy.

I'm going to have a Boca burger for lunch... yum.

The new Harry Potter book will be out in a matter of days (excited squeal!)

Life is quite beautiful

:-)

Lifest '05

The days sped past me before I had time to catch my breath.

Arriving, I glanced around me happily, feeling as though I'd never left the place and as though the fears in my mind were fading away. We paused for a minute to collect our thoughts and then I was off, wandering the grounds with a girl I'd just met and soaking in the evening. I smiled as the sun set but hesitated to allow the music to move me. Part of me held back, perhaps out of self-consciousness. But hesitation is brutal and never lasts long... the music is too powerful and life is too short to waste worrying about getting weird looks from others.

So the night sped on, and the next days passed by even more quickly. It all blurs together in my mind now - speakers and musicians, thousands of faces and footsteps and laughs. I've discovered the grace of solitude within a crowd. I've caught myself judging others at a place where acceptance reigns free, and noticed a great deal of faults I need to keep in check. I've cried, but only once. I've attended an acoustic concert at 1 in the morning. I've sung at the top of my lungs and jumped until my side ached. I've been on the edge of huge mosh pits, and been soaked with sweat and freely-thrown water at an outdoor concert in 93 degree heat. I've gotten very little sleep, felt extremely physically exhausted, and have loved every minute!

I've been truly alive.

Last night, as the sun faded, I glanced around me in wonder. Human beings, when they free themselves of restriction, are so beautiful. I can't even explain the joy I feel when I see others putting down their walls and letting their true selves show. Thousands. It's impossible to describe the rush that comes from standing in such a crowd at 11 at night outdoors. From within the crowd, where I stood, the air was thick and the ground was dusty. Every muscle in my legs and feet ached and my ears were ringing. They still are, actually... but as I stood there, I watched the people near me and I began to understand. I smiled and looked from the people up to the lights of the stage, then up to the distant stars as a gentle breeze cooled my face. In that moment I closed my eyes and felt God's presence so clearly. He was within the hearts of those people, and looking down from the heavens He created, and holding my hand as I stood there. The world was one in Him, and I thanked Him more sincerely than I have in far too long. I felt a dizzying burst of gratitude, and made my way back to the camper in a haze of joyful exhaustion. Today came and went, and now here I sit, reflecting upon all that I've experienced.

Only now comes the greatest challenge. Now that I'm away from it all, I need to remember that the world is always one in Him. "We are many parts, we are all one body." His beauty lies within every single person I meet and it's my role, as His disciple, to acknowledge His presence within everyone. It's a lofty goal, indeed... but it even goes beyond the "love your neighbor as yourself." While we clearly ought to do that, we're called to love as Christ loved, which is an even greater goal to strive for. I need to tear down the judgements I form when I meet people and allow myself to see others in their entirety, not just through a microscope of labels. I thought I was "above" such judgements but I'm not - so often I look down on others for taking part in or agreeing with things I don't believe in, like drinking or pre-marital sex or abortion. In order to look down on someone you need to imagine yourself at a higher level than them, and I'm ashamed to admit that I've done that. So much. I've called myself a loving, accepting Christian and yet I've taught myself to believe that I'm above certain people, which is the most hypocritical thing I could do. Why do I judge them for these beliefs? What good does that do? I think today is the first time I really understand Mother Teresa's statement that "if you judge someone you have no time to love them." I've been so foolish. I need to stop judging others and start praying for them, and accepting them. I still believe that what they do is wrong but that doesn't make them bad people or take away from the spirit of God somewhere within them, even if they don't yet acknowledge or understand its presence. I'm ashamed of the person I've been, and I know that I haven't been the person that people believe me to be. I am a sinner and a hypocrite.

But that's the beauty of His grace. I am forgiven. He knows my every flaw and my every sin, and He still loves me. I acknowledge these flaws now, but I don't plan to dwell on them because God doesn't. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, obviously. That's God's job! My job is simply to strive to give my life to Him as best I can. He is the goal in the distance, and I plan to take a running leap off the edge of complacency and try to reach Him. I know that I can't reach Him and that I'll fall, but I trust that He's going to catch me. All I can do is take this dive and not worry about where I'll land. I am a "pencil in God's hand" and I want Him to use me wherever He calls me to go. And I'm ready to go. I'm willing to give up my life at this very moment if He asks it of me. I plan to give my life to spreading His love through action.

That's the key here - taking action. All this talk is good, of course. I'm fresh from a weekend of motivational speakers and inspirational music, so of course these thoughts of changing the world are fresh in my mind. But what good are words echoing in my head and thoughts reverberating within my mind if I don't act upon them? Only through action can I achieve anything He asks of me, obviously. We always say that we'll do it soon, that we'll start doing things someday. But as I said in my graduation speech... dreams without actions are mere fantasies that can never be achieved. What good are these dreams of loving others and spreading God's love if I don't truly act upon them and start doing something about them?

This weekend I spent a lot of time in what I call surrounded solitude. I was never alone, both literally and figuratively, but I had so much quiet time to focus upon different ideas and upon the life I've led. I've thought about this a great deal. At the end, everyone said to go out and really take something away from this weekend. I wonder how many will be able to really take action, or if I can live up to the goals I've set for myself. It's curious... we can go to these huge festivals and say that we'll do so much while we're there, but then fall back into our old patterns when we leave. That's what I did last time. But I feel differently now... and it's difficult to explain. If nothing else I feel a greater energy and a deeper drive to create change. I've enjoyed these days of reflection and renewal, but now is the time for me to take action.

So enough with the insanely long post. I can do all things through Him, and I plan to achieve great things for Him. It's not about me anymore God, or about the way others view me or the things I've done in the past. It's about seeing You all around me and within others and within myself, right now, and giving everything I have back to the world.

I give it all to You.

Behold

I have finally set a new bowling record:

175

That's right, the girl who at one point bowled a 47 (while trying) achieved a stunning feat tonight. Such elation!

So this one time I was reading something and became quite engrossed in the story, then horrified, then disgusted, then greatly amused all within two minutes. Maybe it was tonight. Online, perhaps. Maybe not.

Pointless story.

Don't you love my tired posts? I'll leave you now. Perhaps I'll post something brilliant in the morning. Actually I'll just aim towards posting something readable. Or is it readible? No, doesn't look right... Is that even a word?

Hm.

I'll close with a glimpse into my internal condition:

Current random thought: I am 18 and one twelfth today. Whoa.
Current song line in head: OH GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN!!
Current deep thought: .....................

hemm, hemm, hemmina...