As illusion dies I see there is so much to be revealed

The past few days are blurs of movement and confusion.

The past week and a half seems incomprehensible. So I'll start a ways back. This post isn't really much more than an update on my life and nothing much more insightful... just an FYI there.

So my dad broke his heel the Thursday before last. It's a pretty serious injury and he's been in the worst pain of his life. I feel so bad for him because he's trapped on the couch with nothing to do but watch movies repeatedly and stare out the window. While I was home I tried to help him as best I could, but now I feel useless as I sit here five hours away. He's probably going to have surgery in Milwaukee next week, so I'll just keep calling and sending hugs through the phone. Not much else I can do!

The day before I left to come here I discovered that my roommate was no longer living on campus. The day before move in, I discovered that I'd been randomly assigned a different one. The day OF move in, we met for the first time, which was frightening but good. Her name is Dana and she's a very nice girl who enjoys all kinds of music and sings constantly, much like myself. We get along really well and have a decent amount in common. The only big clash thus far has been her determination to turn me into an OC lover, as she is. That's not going over well, as you can imagine... I was going to join an anti-OC group on facebook... but oh well, if thats the only issue then I think we'll be okay for now. I'm sure there will be more on our interactions in the future!

Orientation went quickly, in spite of the endless droning of meetings and chaotic trips to Target. My mom left yesterday and it was hard to see her go. This past year we've been pretty close and I will deeply miss our nightly walks. Fortunately I had a music meeting right after she drove away, so I didn't have much time to think about anything. We've been exposed to a million forced social interactions, and I have to admit that they've helped me form a couple Notre Dame friendships unexpectedly.

We attended an event called Domerfest, where we SMC girls mingled with the 2,000 members of the freshman class at ND. Each dorm had a different colored t-shirt with some cutesy phrase or picture, so it was basically like walking in a giant crayon box. There, we received dirty looks from some Notre Dame girls who feel that we exist only to steal their men. However for the most part, people were quite nice. I've been spending a lot of time with a girl named Kim who's also from Wisconsin. She's extremely intelligent and carries on great conversations, loves to read, and is just all-around nice. I'm glad she's my friend. Anyway, so she and I wandered around and ran into some guys we met back home. After the usual questions, we moved on and forced ourselves to interact with several other groups of guys, some of whom were nice and some of whom were... not. How hard can it be to make nice guy friends, we wondered? Pretty tough, especially in that atmosphere. Why in God's name would you have a huge social mixer in a dome where the overly loud bass of repetitive rap music drowns out your very thoughts, and smoke hangs in the air like a plague in Egypt? It was ridiculous. We kep trying to interact with people, but found ourselves drifting into awkward silence after going through hometowns, majors, and the "so how's orientation?" question. Finally, after being followed relentlessly by one Zahm boy (we'd been warned about the Zahm boys) Kim pointed towards a small group of guys and said, "Okay... we'll try those and be done." At first I thought she meant a bunch of tall, green-clad, athletic looking boys. I was like "Kim... they're tall..." They looked mean. But she meant an awkward looking group of boys in blue who were glancing around with the exact distaste and apprehension I felt written clearly upon their faces. We introduced ourselves to the three, Steve, Dave, and Brian, and went through the usual questions. But at the normally awkward point, the conversation flowed on! They were actually interesting to talk to, and they didn't sway the conversation towards drinking once, which was welcome. We convinced them to come to our dance, Jamaica Shaka, and left with the satisfaction of having met some nice guys in spite of the obstacles.

They came, and though Steve wandered away I think Dave and Brian will be good friends. They love music and aren't into partying at all, so I'm hoping we'll be able to hang out with them again. I've also spent some time with a girl named Annaliese (which is definitely the coolest name ever!) and her friends. There are so many nice people, it's been overwhelming. And yet... I still feel so alone. It's entirely normal, I'm sure, but kind of odd. I'm looking forward to classes tomorrow, because I'll be able to see the same people every week and start focusing on something other than the fact that I feel separate from others here. It's bound to get better.

Today was probably the most challenging day of my entire life. I have literally never felt so many emotions at one time. This morning it seems that anything that could have gone wrong did indeed go wrong, and I bravely tried to straggle on. What else can I do? Everything is up to me now. This is my experience and I need to do what I need for me, without waiting around for others to advise me or help me out. As I wandered around campus attempting to do way more things than I can even list on here, my mind began to spin with frustration and anxiety. I prayed a lot, shed a great deal of useless tears, but finally managed to work things out. I think I'll be okay now. For a while today I began to feel as though I couldn't do this, that I would fail at the college life and ought to just leave. But deep down I know that it'll be worth everything in the long run. It's been one of the roughest days of my life but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really needed these things to happen to me today. I'll leave it at that.

I still feel alone and a little worried, but I know that I am going to rock this place. I can (and plan to) do great things, through Him, and there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I'm surrounded by amazing people, all who have so many talents, and I am equal to anyone on this campus. I will not let myself feel inferior or insecure. I will be patient with myself and the situations around me. It's nice to realize that everyone in college feels the exact way that I do at some point in their experience, and I know it may seem worse before it gets better. But I know that this is an opportunity I can't pass up, and I'm so blessed to have the chance to pursue this dream. My parents made so many sacrifices to help bring me here and I will not let them down.

I won't let myself down. I'm ready. I've been ready for so long now. I can do this.

This is my fresh start.

~<3~

P.S. Thanks for enduring my pep talk for myself at the end there :-) I feel better having written it out. Roller coaster days are so enlightening.

In twelve hours time I'll be standing on my porch
staring a truck packed with my life
and padded by new pillows.
The hours will race, though those final seconds will crawl
and I'll say goodbye to my father
as he leans against his crutches
and sips his diet Mountain Dew.
My mind will flash back to this moment
and the song echoing in the air -
("Who's afraid of the tickie pinch?")
Absurd to an outsider, but it brings a smile to me.
The air keeps humming with memories
on this final night
and try as I may I can't bring myself to
close my eyes
or give in to the slumber.
I want to listen to the highway humming
and stare at the sleeping face of the dog I love.
I want to stay up too late staring at this screen
like old times,
or wander around my room reading ancient notes
and staring at disheveled photographs.
I want to stay awake as long as possible
to notice the things I never took time
to glance at before.
I want to sleep here forever
but never close my eyes.

Yet a night of restless wandering can only
lead to repetitive thoughts
and broken visions
of a past and future blurred as one.
The heart's desires are helpless to the
spinning of the earth
and inevitably contradictory.
I want to stand here in the world
I've always trusted
yet I long to run out the door.
Standing leads to nowhere
but a step can take me around the world...
and home.
And soon I'll see this familiar door again,
and I'll smile because I'll know that
I was never alone
and the road
brings new horizons.

So I'll sleep now knowing all too well
that dreams are always welcome here,
but cannot ever awaken until I
take a step
away.

Give us this day our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses...

Driving home tonight from a bonfire, my mind began to question exactly how many of the goodbyes I'd said earlier were goodbyes until October, or even December. I think I've basically reached the point where I've accepted my sadness and am ready to just begin anew. But tonight on that drive home I felt deeply saddened again, perhaps just from the finality of my last "night out" of the summer. Of course it's not an official goodbye. It's just starting to sink in that I won't be seeing the people I've seen every week this summer again for quite some time. I've taken it for granted that I'll see some of them again and get a chance to say my fall goodbyes... but for many, I won't. It's hitting me now. So I turned on the radio to a Christian rock station, and just as a tear slid down my cheek I heard the line, "God counts your every tear". I couldn't help but laugh, look up at the stars and whisper, "Sorry for making you count so high..." Yay for releasing your emotions!

On a plus note I am extraordinarily excited about college. We had an ND/SMC sendoff thing and it was awesome to meet so many cool people. I'm really looking forward to it.

But it's wayyy late/early and I need sleep!

Lately

my thoughts have been spewing from my brain into streams of poetic garble that probably makes little sense to anyone who doesn't know me well. Even those who do may be left staring blankly at the screen in confusion after that last one. Or maybe not? That bothers me slightly about my poems... I'm normally so hesitant about sharing them because it makes me feel vulnerable. And yet I always hope deep down that others can relate to or understand my words. So if I hope to write something worth sharing that others can relate to, how will I ever know unless I begin somewhere? Feedback is a good thing, I suppose... hm... I shall ponder this.

Anywho.

I leave in five days and it doesn't seem real quite yet. I've been devoting absurd amounts of time to cleaning out the former trash bin I called my room. Much to my pleasure, it is now much roomier and more organized than it has been in about seven years. All that remains for me to tackle is the upper shelf of my closet, which contains binders and random junk ranging from 6th grade to 4 months ago. Yikes.

Shaina left on Wednesday and it was sad. I've known her the longest of all my close friends, and shall miss her deeply. But we've talked on the phone every day, which is awesome. Haha, it's like she's on vacation or something... for now. I'll see her at Christmas though.

As for the pending goodbyes?

...

I'll leave that one for later.

Evaporating

Until now the dust has choked
the stillness of the summer.
It's burned the eyes of countless people
seeking freedom from the air.
The moments have bled freely and
have dried even faster,
evaporating,
yet scarring with lasting impressions.

Two nights ago the headlock broke
and the skies began to weep
with drops of life.
The irony.

You stood under the canopy without ever
glancing up from the monotony of chaos.
I stood in the rain
watching with half-closed eyes.
Twenty feet and two car door slams,
then somber confusion
disguised behind an upbeat song.
The waters lost their power after a time
and drizzled sadly over us,
resting upon the windshield wipers
that never seemed properly timed.

A thin layer of mist clung to the road ahead
and stabbed at my wet skin.
Bursts of cold air sent shivers down my spine
yet you know I would never
keep you from what you needed.
The fog on the road echoed the uncertainty
of my heart,
but still I could not pause to notice
the fact that you only saw my profile
under a faint streetlight.

I opened my heart earlier that day in the sunshine.
I said a prayerful hello and goodbye.
You missed your time to see me.

The mist grows and rises,
evaporating.

Tonight the rains continue to smother the dust.
You play those games and smile,
convincing yourself that spoken words
will be enough to slice through my emotions.
Tumultuous habits don't die easily.
As I sit on the floor counting out
the week's remainder,
a hollowness descends within me.
It all seemed so simple at the start,
before the wars of summer.

The dust shall battle the mist,
leaving me frozen in the rain.

I am ashamed

Sometimes re-reading old journals is such a huge slap in the face.

I was the most self-absorbed, materialistic, snotty little insecure middle school brat you would have ever met. I was mean, unappreciative of my true friends, and I sought attention for all the wrong reasons. It's utterly distressing to see written proof of your foolish past. I am ashamed.

Yet it's gratifying to realize how much more I've come to understand.

I'll turn out alright yet.

A flash of light

snaps just as two people jump,
creating a blurred photograph -
one frenzied moment in time
captured.

The sky speeds from steely blue
into darkness, with random clouds
scattered overhead in a
triumph of pastels.
One blink of my eyes and the world
springs to life around me,
inside me,
without me.
Headlights approach and fade,
though some stay, and voices grow
louder as the night takes its toll.
I always knew these nights would come
but fought against them fiercely.
The finality seemed to much
to bear until they were
upon me.
This whole time
all I've wanted to do is find a way
to clarify the emotions I've feared
to release, and to embrace
the people who shape my life
before they
slip from my grasp.

Echoes of criticism resonate
within these walls, and become
deeply embedded inside
my heart.
Rarely do I feel so helpless when
giving all that I have, trying
with all my might to share my time
equally
and give of myself
quietly.
Lately it seems that each effort
falls into fruitlessness, and every second
the clock mocks me more.
I'm trying for you.
For me.
To prepare for this.

The night races by in a haze
of bonfire smoke
and laughing faces.
Rolling down hills next to
one of the closest friends I've ever had,
the deadened grass poking at our arms
and burning our elbows,
time finally gives in.
Screams and bruises,
lost watches and flip flops,
a fire burning low and the ground
covered in tiny pieces of debris,
a circle of friends beneath a street light
embraces the night as though
time knows no power.
Yet as one by one they pull away
my heart slowly weakens
until finally I'm left standing at
the edge of my driveway,
alone in the night, bracing myself
for the reprimand over my own
blatant foolishness, but
for one moment
staring at the heavens
and thanking God for these days.

One frenzied moment captured
in a blur of light.

Thank you Jackie

I highly, highly recommend the book "No Greater Love" by Mother Teresa. It is inspiring and humbling. Thanks to Jackie for such a wonderful gift! It is officially my new favorite bedtime book.

I've really felt God speaking to me today... or maybe I've just been listening more closely.

It seems no matter what I'm doing or where I am, the resounding theme of my day has been stillness. Not that my day has been still, but I feel as though I need to seek greater stillness within my life so that I can better understand God's voice. I intend to. The noises of the world and even those within my own mind continually drown out the peace that God offers all of us.

At work today I realized just how strongly the nagging voice in my head contributes to the daily stress within my life. You know what I mean - the little part of yourself that constantly doubts and worries, jumps to false conclusions, tells you that the whole world is against you - it's an awful thing. But today I discovered a way to triumph over it. I can silence the voice at will now, and the reason why is so obvious that I can scarcely believe I never saw it before. Alone I am weak - miniscule things get to me and build up into "insurmountable" barriers. But God is my strength and He is always at hand. He alone understands the reason why I am in a certain place at a particular moment in time. Each moment of life provides an opportunity to let Him shine through, even in something as mundane as scanning another person's groceries. I see certain people each day for a reason unknown to me, yet defined by my actions. God provides an opportunity, and it's up to me whether or not to trust Him.

I do.

Voices of fear merely attempt to destroy that trust. But now I won't let them.

8th Grade Insanity

Today I came across my 8th grade planner. Yes, I am a pack rat and still have things from middle school... it is sad. Nonetheless I greatly enjoyed reading some of my notes, though it caused a great deal of pain to stare straight into the heart of written proof that I was indeed a lost young girl with a very different focus on a life.

Here is an excerpt from something I wrote... Lord knows what this is from, but sadly, this is an exact quote:
"Josh calls her cell phone at 3 AM and Brian picks us. So JC thought Kate cheated, so he cheated on her, but she was really going to see him. Kate saw another girl kissing him and they broke up. Then, Kate and Bri are best friends still so she goes to KT with him to try to get away + get over JC. But there at Bril's parent's house where they're staying, JC shows up to see Kate, and they talk about how now she can't trust him + all. Then Bri gets upset (as anyone would) that JC is there and that's as far as I am THEY GET TOGETHER!"

Sad.

And another:
"Boring ol' CNN is on. Ryan is saying, "Elise..." sadly cuz she's not here so he's sad, and Derek is cracking up. Johnny just knocked a chair off a table. Oh God. Anyway, I'm sad. Britney too. We miss Greta. I get my braces tomorrow. I'm scared (drawn-in scared face). Curt Parker is talking. SHUT UP RYAN! Now he's muttering something over and over ("Kurt... Derek... Kurt... Derek...") Oh Lord help me! He's annoying! Piggies! Yea! I like them. There's piggies on CNN about cloning! Kewl. WHASSUP?! Nothin' here. Kurt just made a gargantuan lame joke. Katie O'Toole is back. I'm bored. Blah blah blah... Lah dee dah. That dude replied. Forgot his name tho. LOL! Kewl. He sounds neat. I did my nails in bright red. LOL! Why actually watch CNN when you can write notes? Hee hee! BLAH BLAH!! blah."

I was ridiculous. How could anyone put up with that? At the time one of my friends and I thought it was really cool to make up different themes for days. The things we made up are so ridiculously laughable! I'd like to share a few of my favorites... keep in mind they are all ridiculous, but that's why I want to share them. Haha, here:

~ Tape Your Mouth Shut Day (Back then I needed to...)
~ Mad Cow Disease Day
~ Wear Stupid Clothes Day
~ Tap Yourself on the Head 'til You Go Mad Day (what?!)
~ Eat a Taco Day
~ It Comes Out Day (??)
~ Eat Brown Sugar Day
~ Make Everything Rhyme Day
~ Cut Paper With Your Teeth Day (Riiiiight...)
~ Pretend You're a Police Person Day (Because that would work)
~ Smell Your Armpits Day (no comment)
~ Prevent Forest Fires Day
~ Ceiling Day
~ Be Nice to Robby Day (haha)
~ Kiss Your Chair Before You Sit in it Day
~ Measure Your Nose Day (I actually kind of like that one)
~ Think About Snails Day
~ Dis Pokemon Day (apparently I've never been a fan)
~ Munchkin Day
~ Think About Clovers for 6 Seconds Day (Ok...)
~ Take a Moment of Silence in Honor of Those with Allergies Day
~ Ask a Thousand Questions Day
~ Invent a New Holiday Day (it seems I mastered that one)
~ Clay Day (see "Make Everything Rhyme Day")
~ Bawk Like a Chicken Day
~ 10 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed Day
~ Smell a Sink Day
and one of my personal favorites:
~ Green Day

There you have it, straight from the brilliant mind of this wonder woman in 8th grade.

It's amazing to see how bad I thought I had it back then. I would seriously write things like, "Haven't had time to write, I am so STRESSED" and such garbage. Stress back then would have been a light day this past year. And college, I'm sure, will make even my roughest high school days appear simple. I'm really looking forward to it though.

All I can say, after reading through this thing, is thank God for maturation.

Stars and Journeys... with a random tennis thought thrown in there

Tennis is a most enjoyable sport, though my inconsistency constantly amazes me. One minute I have a shockingly well-placed shot that the opponent cannot reach, and the next minute I swing and totally miss the ball. Absurd.

Last night by 11 the sky was perfectly clear and there was no moon in sight. The air was warm with a cool breeze, and I found my mind focusing on a single goal that merely strengthened as the night went on - stargazing. I've discovered that I feel closest to God in three scenarios: sitting in a church (especially my own), watching a sunset/sunrise or a particularly beautiful scene outside, and stargazing. The latter two help me to understand my insignificance, and the consequent burst of awe, shame and humility propels me towards a greater openness with God. Looking up at the stars last night, I found myself thinking, "Lord help me to know the number of my days, that I may learn how frail I am" before I could think about anything else. I felt so drawn towards solitude and the sky, yet trapped by invisible barriers. While I enjoy living here, I wish with all my heart that we had less light pollution and a clearer view of the stars. For a while I conceded defeat, but as I walked towards my house I kept glancing up unconsciously. Looking back, I think I was yearning to connect with God, to break free for one night from the emotions that have been hanging over my head for so many weeks. I wanted to escape.

That's not always possible. In fact, it's not always advisable. Alone I am vulnerable, weak, and empty. But through God I am strong... through Him I find peace. And as much as my stubborn pride tends to convince me that I can always get by on my own, I understand now that I need Him more than the very breath within me, and I sometimes He reaches me through others in my life.

Sometimes the journey we seek becomes clarified through the aid of someone walking beside us, no matter how much we say we can do things alone. We're not meant to walk alone. We are a community, a family, one body intertwined. This sounds so cliche and I apologize for my inability to word these thoughts more eloquently... essentially, I am deeply thankful for the light of God within the people I love. I can't even comprehend how blessed I have been.

Thank you for coming with me last night... it meant so much more to me than you'll ever know.

:-)