Silence speaks louder than words

I'm continually amazed to discover that many of the things I initially thought simple and beautiful have a completely opposite state when examined from an alternate perspective. I've written before about my firm belief in the need for a balance of opposites within the universe. However lately I've been examining things on a more everyday perspective, particularly one condition I formerly saw as a purely beautiful thing: silence.

"Silence is golden." We all know the truth behind the cliche, and the grace of silence. Music could not fully take form without the spaces between notes - the silence defines or at least encapsulates the phrase. In this chaotic world silence is a blessing, and a chance to take refuge from the noise of everyday living. It is truly a gift in many circumstances, as I've reminded myself many times in the past.

But in the past few days I've realized how cruel silence can truly be. Most everyone I know can think of a person that they haven't spoken with in what they know is way too long... but still there has only been silence between them. There are always the excuses, valid and not, and the various forms of reasoning behind these walls blocking communication. Silence is a wall that only grows with time, and feeds off of our human inconsistency. For the first time I've realized that perhaps I've hurt people the most not through what I've said or done, but through the silence I've inflicted. The distance. The silence looms for months, sometimes years, and causes extreme damage within the lives of others. I've seen the effects far too many times firsthand, and while I understand that some silences are necessary as people change and grow apart... some are tragic. Relationships and friendships don't break off because of words said, but because of the silence that follows those words. Words said in anger leave eternal dents and scars, but can at least be overcome after through words of forgiveness, repentence, and peace. If no other words are said... what hope is there of moving beyond the walls?

The older I get the more I understand that life is surely not as simple as I thought it was as a child. This does not make it any darker or worse than it was then - it's merely a change in perspective, like a step backward from a slant of sunlight that allows me to see shadow. The beautiful things of this world all have painful shadows on the opposite side.. but this doesn't take away from their beauty. As a whole, the light in this universe shall always extinguish darkness. Our greatest goal, then, is to acknowledge and accept the presence of darkness but to never dwell on it or believe in its power. Such a hindrance takes away from our ability to create light.

Embrace the silences of truth within the foundations of your life. But don't let the silences of anger destroy relationships that truly mean something to you.

Well...

I've received a dual request to revive my comments, so henceforth I've decided to allow the things once more. Whether you leave one is up to you and fine by me, but just remember that this is like a journal to me and not meant to be criticized harshly. Constructive arguing is awesome and greatly enjoyed. Attacks of my character and beliefs are pointless on the internet and should be addressed in person, or at the very least through e-mail.

Pardon the shades of paranoia within those lines. Experience has most unfortunately twisted my expectations into an uncharacteristic cynicism. It's just... writing is, to me, a risk at times. "With the scratching of this pen, another fiber of my soul bares itself for the skies to devour." (Random line in a scribbled-down poem while on the road yesterday.) I probably don't have anything to worry about, as the only people who I know still read this are quite kind. So I won't ponder it any longer.

It is truly that ridiculously early/late(?) time you see posted beneath or above this post, I really don't have any idea which. Point is merely this... bed.

The power of words blows me away.

Combinations of syllables and letters and rhythms, connected into melodic ideas or interpretations continuously boggle my mind. I doubt that I'll ever tire of reading - I'm willing to trundle through thirty pages of slop if it means I can read one truly outstanding sentence. One sentence can stir a thousand memories or even create a thousand melodies. One string of words thrown out into a crowded world of noise can find a home within the mind of a person deeply in need of reminding. One exquisite phrase or beautifully rounded thought can bring peace or trigger action. And while it's true that most everything written has been written before... every so often someone comes along who expresses a thought in a manner that's closer to truth than anyone has ever touched. One word can make the difference.

I may not be the person to express those thoughts. In fact, I doubt that I am. These words have been mulled over and scratched down hundreds upon thousands of times. I am a tiny leaf on this single tree of thought, glancing around in wonder at the forests of life. My words, perhaps, are nothing. But perhaps someday I'll stumble upon a truly outstanding sentence. Maybe I can connect syllables and my thoughts into a phrase of beauty for other individuals to understand. Maybe someday I can find the perfect word to complete that phrase, the one I'm meant to share with the world.

Can I write the phrase of my life?

Perhaps I can, or perhaps not. The daunting immensity of this challenge humbles me. But the opportunity intrigues me.

This is why I write.

Balance

The smallest of details can trigger the most deep philosophical thoughts.

I can't even explain where these
words come from, nor these emotions that seem
rooted deep within the crystallized
fog of hesitation.
A slight bruise on the head, painful to the touch.
Another futile reminder of displaced frustration
so destructive and familiar.
I keep saying that I'll banish it forever
and I'm closer now.
But the familiar can never truly fade and the
balance can't be maintained
for long. This is a cyclic dream, surreal and pure,
swift to merit my embrace and slow to accept progression.
This perpetual vacillation
shall continue for as long as I rely on the chaotic
beat of my heart.
It keeps reality guessing.
It opens my soul to acceptance.
It helps me to understand the tiny fraction of space
between doubt and belief, and every portion of truth
inside the two extremes.
I've felt the stillness of balance, momentarily, and
it may return someday.
But I'll resist it.
We always do.

Much has changed

since the last time I posted!

I am 18 years old and a high school graduate.
I am a young adult with short hair and a nice little tan.
I have read over a hundred cards from people who have influenced my life, smiled at the words within those envelopes, and written out just as many cards in a futile attempt to show my gratitude.
I have travelled on a plane for the first times in my young life, and have swum in the ocean in the hazy light of morning.
I have climbed a dusty mountain and spent countless hours lying on random beaches, marvelling at the scratchy feeling of the sand on my skin and the intensity of the sun.
I have finished a four course meal (for the bargain price of $10) using just chopsticks, and have enjoyed fresh pineapple, sticky white rice and tofu every day for the past week.
I have floated weightlessly in gentle waves and choked on salt from the not-so-gentle waves.
I have wandered freely down a crowded street late at night without a care in the world, and have embraced a culture unlike anything I've witnessed before.
I have (accidentally) touched a purse worth more money than I have in my bank account only to be chided by a sales clerk in one of the world's most prestigious stores (who knew there was a counter there? At least the people at Louis Vuitton are trained to be patient with people like myself...)
I have stood beside what has become my second family on a pier late at night, laughing at old memories, unconsciously making an unforgettable new one, enjoying the spray of the tide and catching my breath at the sight of a shooting star, beaconing like a prayer.
I have taken a shoe that holds four years of memories and thrown it into the ocean forever.
I have cried at a crimson sunset symbolic of my life.
I have said goodbye to the only world I've ever known.

But most importantly...
I have witnessed the birth of two rainbows in the skies of my life. The first came after fierce rains on my graduation day, while I stood laughing with all the people I love, skipping and splashing around my driveway. I watched it come to life and I sighed contentedly as it faded away. And the week passed on.
The second came on my final day in Hawaii with two of my closest friends after an early morning rain. We stood in the ocean with our faces to the sky, letting the tiny drops envelope us. I again watched the rainbow come to life in the sky over the ocean, and it shone with an intensity I had never seen before. In that moment, I smiled with a deeper appreciation for His grace than I have ever truly felt.

In spite of the sunsets and late night goodbyes... the mornings continue to bring beautiful signs of hope and new beginnings.

Much has changed since the last time I posted, or perhaps nothing at all has. I have travelled farther than ever before and have seen great beauty. But those new places haven't changed me, nor has my haircut or graduation or my new "adult" status. I think these experiences have simply allowed me to open my mind to a greater appreciation for all that I've already known within my life.

Tomorrow I leave for my college orientation. Clearly a lot more is still about to change.

But I'm willing to open my mind to what's to come.

And Lord... I'm so thankful.

God bless you all.

Tradition

"Life if one ongoing composition, always changing with the beat of time. Each one of you has added a note of value or a phrase of meaning, and we will never forget it. Though troubles bring discord into the melody, it soon resolves into the beautiful harmony that gives life meaning. You have intricately shaped the melody that will live on deep within our hearts. No matter what happens... play on."

~ Sarah & Jake

Right Now

I awoke this morning after having a dream about insecurity. In it, a girl I know was really worried about her hair, or some such drama. Now I'm not sure about the whole psychoanalytic theory on dreams (sorry Freud, just a few too many holes) but if nothing else the dream made me think about where I'm at right now as far as fears go.

I've given in so many times to my own fears of inadequacy that it's ridiculous to even ponder. So much wasted energy has been spent worrying about whether or not I can live up to my own goals. Every day a little voice that I've created in my mind tries to convince me that I've fallen short again. When I listen to it, I start second guessing myself and making unnecessary apologies. I do more harm than good, and spend more time thinking pointless thoughts than I do taking action on effective thoughts. So why do I listen?

Right now as I glance out the window, the sun is pouring through and illuminating tiny specks of dust that would be otherwise unseen. Light helps shatter illusion - perhaps that's why many of my poems include the phrase, "the light of revelation." The light we allow ourselves to see within us illuminates all the tiny things we could never see otherwise. So often I've closed myself off to such self-examination because I've been scared to see the results. Light reveals beauty, yes, but it also reveals spaces of darkness filled with secrets we've always known we have but are too afraid to do anything about. We fear the things yet to be revealed within us that define our greatest merits and faults. Yet we need both.

Right now I'm shining a light into the person I am, and after all these years... I accept what I see. I'm a young woman, nearly an adult, who can act far too silly and naive at times, but overly prideful and stubborn at others. I am vain and often irrational, and I still sin so much more than others would guess. I have so many deep faults, which I see fully now... yet I have so much potential. I've been afraid to understand all the things inside me that could make me great because I've been afraid to hurt others or to fall short. But the voice I've listened to is no longer a voice of reason in my mind, and it's taken me countless months on my own to realize something I should have understood so much earlier. I am merely a mortal, faulted and inexperienced, but then so is everyone else, in the grand scheme of life. I finally accept my limits, because I can no longer convince myself that one day I'll live up to the 'perfect' little image I've set for myself. I don't want to nor am I able to. Instead I choose to accept everything that I already have within me because it's all that I'll ever need.

Right now all my friends and peers are trying to come to some form of peace with the past four (or even more) years of their lives. I've come to mine already. Sure there may be some more tears, but I know that lately most of mine have just been happy ones. The past is being concluded every second, and I accept the road I've taken and the people who have been a part of my life. I truly care about so many of them deeply, and pray that they follow the path that God intended for them. But as for my own life, I'm no longer afraid of the goodbyes. What will come will work out just as we know it will and in whatever way we decide to make it happen. I'm no longer afraid of the future. I've always said that I can do anything through Him, and because of these realizations I've been forming (and finally posted today) I know that I can. I've already shined my own light into myself and have accepted what's there. Just imagine what I could do if I shined His light instead, and helped others do the same... what a beautiful concept.

So as I pause during this final week of school, the time when I would normally be looking upon everything with sadness at the impending goodbyes... I don't fear a thing. I'm sure I'll shed some tears over the symbolism of this event and its implications, but as for saying goodbye to people? Some I'll choose to see again and some not - I can only try to take the actions that are in my control and accept the rest.

I am not afraid of the future, nor will I attempt to root myself into the past. Right now I've finally come to understand what it is to live fully and to accept oneself. It's taken far too long, but I'm ready now. I'm finally ready.

Good riddance.